These last few days/weeks have been 'learning to trust' kind of times. There is so much uncertainty, so much unknown, so much instability – something I was not prepared for and not expecting. It just sort of hit me in the face like a brick wall. After every set-back I am thinking, ok, this should be it, things will turn around after this. But they don’t.
I have been feeling the adrenalin in my belly mixed with complete exhaustion. I have been hating this whole process and wishing for it to end already.
Through it all, I have turned to God many times asking for advice and every single time I get one answer “trust me”, “I am in control”, “Leave it in my hands”, “Give it to me”. You would think that a person who has any amount of faith would just do it after this message being reinforced time and time again and while I am able to gain peace, the anxiety rises and I am back in square one.
I know deep in my spirit that it will be all ok. I know it without shadow of doubt. Not only because I’ve felt God say that to me but also because I trust that He will take care of us. Through this process I have had a few thoughts.
In times of uncertainty our spirit is fertile ground for faith to grow. In these really hard, difficult times that no one wants to go through, that we try to avoid at all costs, we actually probably grow spiritually the most.
During these times we are able to turn to God truly, and be vulnerable and open like it is hard to do when things are going well and there is no real need to depend on Him.
I have also thought a lot of Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac. I wonder what he was thinking when he was climbing the mountain with his son, who God had asked to sacrifice. Sorrow? Grief? Anxiety? When his servants asked him what he will sacrifice and he answered “God will provide”, was he sure of it or was it just an answer that he gave in faith?
For Abraham the sacrifice was complete trust in the face of uncertainty. He didn’t even sin in his answer to his servants. I can’t say that I have been able to do that.
I have re-read that story many times and at the very beginning it says that God wanted to test Abraham. God allows these testing times in our lives. God makes them happen.
Finally, because Abraham didn’t veer in his faith, he was rewarded richly. There is always a reward after testing and after sacrifice made to God. God rewards richly.
I feel like this is a time for testing for me and for us as a family. I feel inside that the end will be good and there will be blessings in the end but going through it is still hard and it is still hard work to constantly keep turning my thoughts to God and to keep consciously reminding to myself all the times that He has provided and blessed. I force myself to remember what have been the times that I have built altars because God has come through and blessed richly in the end. He is trustworthy.
Yesterday I was doing a bit of reading and meditation on it and these are the thoughts that came after reading a few different things;
"It is so comforting to know that no matter what we go through, He knows, He knew and He already has made provisions. No matter what the situation, He is already there, already providing."